Thursday, March 30, 2006
Even the computer thinks I'm depressed
Today while surfing around on a quick break, I found this colour test which analyzes your emotional state by the order of coloured cubes you pick. My dad had a book about this type of analysis (one of those great 70s self-therapy deals) and my siblings and I used to have a lot of fun picking out coloured cards and telling each other how mental we were. My results today were scarily on target:
"Life for some time now has been somewhat depressing and you feel 'under the weather'. You are looking for a means by which you can escape from all the pressures of everyday life. But you must remember that the 'Past does not equal 'Tomorrow'. You are seeking a way to escape from all the trials and tribulations that oppress you at this time, but at least you haven't given up - if one pattern of behaviour doesn't seem to work then you'll change it for another.
You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.
It is amazing that you yourself believe that old 'adage' that you are a misunderstood person - and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that you feel the need to conform to society in general - but this situation leaves you 'cold' knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment, you seem to be just playing along.
The stress and tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to your inability to achieve security and appreciation from those closest to you. This is resulting in considerable pressures. You find the situation as it stands most frustrating. You are the sort of person that would like to experience all and everything very intensely but unfortunately you are not receiving the warmth and understanding that you feel you are entitled to. Matters are not going too well. You seek a sympathetic ear but it is not forthcoming. This situation is extremely nerve-racking - and what is more humiliating is that no-one seems to care and you are powerless to do anything about it.
Matters are not all that they would appear to be and you are critical of the existing conditions which you feel are confused and disorganised. You are therefore looking for a modus operendi which will simplify the situation so that you will be able to see the 'trees in the woods'."
I hate it when a computer program can peg me so accurately! It makes my neuroticisms seem so pedestrian. I want to be creatively and uniquely depressed!
Anyway, time to get back to work. If I make some more money and we start pulling ourselves out of this debt maybe I'll be less depressed. Or maybe matters are really not as they appear and I will soon find out that I really the long-lost heir of an ex-patriated European royal family. Not very likely, though...
Saturday, March 25, 2006
So much for winding down...
Fuck it, I am in too bad a mood to do this right now. I'll try again tomorrow...
(On a side note, I can't believe it's been over a week since my last post. It has been a busy week, but that's no excuse. Especially since the change of season has put me in a rather reflective mood lately, tonight aside. Now that the snow is finally almost all gone, little sprouts are starting to poke through the matted wet leaves that cover my flower beds. The lawns, on the other hand, are a sea of mud, but that's another story.)
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Thinking of Thomas
We are the world...
I don't mean to sound all "Mother Theresa" here, but despite how bad things are here right now (the mortgage is two payments behind, if that's any indication), I try not to forget how fortunate we are, really. Somehow we will get through this -- one way or another there will always be food on the table. Other people live like this all the time, with the constant anxiety of not knowing where their next meal is coming from. This is a walk in the park compared to what a great percentage of world goes through on a daily basis. So, for everyone around the world living in need, I will not complain about my own meagre setbacks anymore.
So, come on, everybody, do your best Willie Nelson: "There's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives..."
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
The agonies of defeat
So, I've got to pull myself up from my bootstraps! It's sadness and a sense of despair that have gotten me in this horrible mess, and I've got to snap out of it and figure out a way to start bringing more cash in. If I were back in Boston, I'd take a cafe job or something, but here I'm held back by my rather tepid French. I mean, I could probably get by alright on the job, but I get nervous and I'm sure I'd stammer enough through any interview to get myself disqualified from the outset. Anyway, I've got a few ideas, although it's questionable whether they'll bear fruit in time to keep us afloat.
That's all I can think about right now, so I must sign off and get to work. Maybe I should go outside and look for leprechauns...
Saturday, March 11, 2006
The Saturday Post
Well, the well wishes for my interview must have had an effect, because it went rather well (three wells in one sentence -- that's quite an achievement!). They're sending me over to the client for an interview next week. It's a regular corporate job, 40 hrs/wk, 3 weeks vacation (that is going to be tough), but it sounds like a good team and the job seems varied and interesting. Maybe going in to an office every day will help my mental state. At any rate, the regular paycheck certainly won't go amiss.
Just heard an exasperating program on the BBC (Radio 4) about a woman who's trying to get access to her frozen embryoes, despite her ex denying permission (story here). They took listeners' reactions on air, and there were a couple of -- I want to say "idiots", but let's just say less enlightened folks -- who were completely against assisted reproduction, in any shape or form. According to them, children are a blessing from God, and if God deems you unfit to conceive (or carry to term), then that's just the way it is. The logic here is just so full of holes, it's pointless even to mention them, but it still gets my goat. I found myself turning the volume off as soon as I heard a warbly elderly voice start railing off on "women who want it all". I don't want it all, I just want a baby. Anyway...
Well, I've been up for 3 hours and all I've accomplished is making coffee and ironing a few shirts. I've got an exciting day ahead of me, full of chores, errands and boring web work... I guess it's no wonder that I'm putting it all off. At least I managed to post today. By my calculations, I'll need to post 6 times a day until June in order to catch up to Lorem. I'm tired just thinking about it!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Happy Birthday, Thomas
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I gotta wear shades
And so, Monday morning I awoke feeling vaguely hopeful for the first time in weeks. And since then I've been more productive and positive and on the way to feelin' groovy. Of course, this could just be the other side of a mild case of manic depression, but I'm not going to question it for the moment.
The universe seems to agree with my mood, because I got an unsolicited email from a headhunter yesterday regarding a senior marcomm position that sounds right up my alley. I've got a phone interview with him later today, so keep your fingers crossed for me!
Now, it's time for the documentary cameras to follow me to the laundry room where I'll be sorting through my lights and darks. Better find my sunglasses first, or I may be blinded by the excitement of it all...
Friday, March 03, 2006
Otherwise, it's been a shitty week in Lake WoeismewhatahaveIdonetodeservethis. I've started getting some light counseling from an acquaintance of mine who has a side business in something called Imago therapy. I say "light", because I'm really doing it as a trial so that I can write some marketing material and do a website for her. She can't pay me much, so since I'm going through a bit of a rough time right now, I offered to take part of the payment in trade. Anyway, it's been a surprisingly enlightening exercise so far. I don't want to go into details about it right now (mostly because it would be deeply boring to anyone but me, I think), but I'm learning how to be more conscious of my emotions, needs, and desires, which I think will prove to be helpful as time goes on.
I've pretty much decided that I need to get a regular full-time job, at least for a while. I don't have the emotional countenance to market myself properly right now and I need a routine that gets me outside of the house on a daily basis. So, now it's onto Project Get A Job.
After a brief respite yesterday when the mercury creeped above the freezing level for a few hours, it's back to being cold, windy and miserable. Sometime I really think that my moods control the weather...