Monday, August 28, 2006
I've got an appointment with my regular OB/GYN to go over management protocols for the POF. My doctor is pretty low-key, so I don't think he will suggest anything too aggressive. I'm slightly tempted to ask about an anti-depressant, but I feel like I've gone this long without one, it seems a shame to "give up" now.
Anyway, I will update properly very soon, but for now I just wanted to leave you with this gorgeous link that has been doing the rounds (I got it from my tech writing list). Enjoy!
Hot Library Smut
Friday, August 18, 2006
More news I don't want to deal with
K. and I ended up having more than a few drinks last night in consolation (and we seemed to have forgotten to eat supper, so getting up this morning was not very pleasant!). Oddly enough, he did most of the crying. Although it's comforting to see him being so emotionally open about Lydia, it's also a little scary. I ended up retelling Lydia's birth story in gory detail, while he listened and wept. It was cathartic and I think it did help bring us closer, but it was also very draining. Tonight I just feel like ordering pizza and watching some vapid sci-fi. And I think that's probably just what we'll do!
Anyway, I'm still trying to digest the arrival of Sophia. Ironically, she may never have any cousins, as her mom is an only child and the rest of us seem unlikely to procreate (we've got one gay brother and an AWOL sister). I guess there are worse fates in life...
Monday, August 14, 2006
Get off the stage, fat lady!
Ovarian dysfunction, stress, and disease: a primate continuum.
Kaplan JR, Manuck SB.
Department of Pathology, Wake Forest University, School of Medicine, Winston-Salem, NC, USA.
Menopause is recognized as a period of increased risk for coronary heart disease (CHD) and osteoporosis. Vulnerability to these conditions is often attributed to the naturally occurring estrogen deficiency characteristic of this part of the life cycle. Premenopausal reductions in endogenous estrogen occasioned by functional ovarian abnormalities or failure are hypothesized to be similarly pathogenic and to accelerate development of CHD and osteoporosis prematurely, thereby increasing the health burden of older women. These functional abnormalities, which occur along a continuum from mild, luteal phase progesterone deficiency to amenorrhea, are relatively common and are often attributed to psychogenic factors (stress, anxiety, depression, or other emotional disturbance), exercise, or energy imbalance. Although numerous investigators have commented on these functional deficits, the abnormalities can be difficult to diagnose and are generally unappreciated for the contribution they may make to postmenopausal disease. Studies in nonhuman primates confirm that these deficits are easily induced by psychological stress and exercise, and that they accelerate the development of cardiovascular disease and perhaps bone loss in the presence of a typical North American diet. However, functional reproductive deficits are also reversible and are thus potentially amenable to environmental or behavioral intervention. Data from both women and nonhuman primates support the hypothesis that functional reproductive deficits are adaptive when triggered appropriately but are detrimental when activated in an environment (e.g., sedentary lifestyle, high-fat diet) permissive to the development of chronic disease.
I've got my dad (the physician) looking up the full text of the article to see what it's all about. My dad has become my right-hand man in this research and it helps that he has access to all of the medical journals. He can get the real-deal info, not just the distilled pap that the rest of us mere mortals are allowed to see. Mind you, his initial research was not good, as the first article he came across indicated that stress *lowered* FSH levels. So, I'm trying not to hang on blindly to any semi-plausible tidbit that reinforces a positive outcome, but if there's any hope that a healthier lifestyle combined with major stress reduction could restore my fertility... well, I won't kick it out of bed for eating crackers!
Okay, well I think I've mixed enough metaphors for today. I hope it doesn't appear that I was crying wolf with my despondency over my results in the last post. I was (and am) truly devastated at the idea of not only my fertility being gone, but also losing a certain amount of "womanliness". Today I've realised, though, that if I don't give up hope just yet, maybe I can hang onto my sanity for a bit longer. And then in six months or a year when it's obvious that my periods aren't coming back (depsite being a totally fit, non-toxic, salad-eating babe, lol!), maybe time will have softened the blow and I will be able to take it in stride. Until then, I'm strapping on my sneaks and sweatin' my troubles away! Right after I finish this piece of fudge cake :)
Friday, August 11, 2006
It's Game Over for the ovaries
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Take this life and shove it!
It feels weird to be in my body. It's bizarre to think that I'll probably never have another period again. I can't remember the last time I even looked for signs of oncoming menses. Whenever it was, it was really the last time. I'm starting to gain weight again, but this is probably more down to being too depressed to exercise, than just the hormonal changes. And this depresses me even more.
My brother's wife is due in a week, and I really can't fake any enthusiasm about the whole event. I made a FCBMB* promise to come down and visit when the baby's born and I only felt marginally guilty for lying.
If it isn't already obvious, I'm feeling very sorry for myself today. I can't imagine any path that is going to bring me closer to even a modicum of happiness. I'm enjoying nothing these days and I resent having to be cook, laundress and chauffeur for my husband... You know what, he can make supper tonight. I don't care if it's scrambled eggs with marmite, as long as I don't have to make it...
*Fingers Crossed Behind My Back
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
No news yet
Otherwise, I'm having a bad day. I'm finding that all of the old feelings I had about my husband's affairs (the hurt, the disbelief, the unworthiness) have come rushing back with a vengance. Whereas a few weeks ago I was really enjoying being with my husband and I looked forward to our future, now I just look at him and see all of the betrayal. I'm sure this is all tied into the trauma of the diagnosis, it just really sucks to feel like I'm being plunged back into all of that negativity. I really am ready for some happiness!
I have a lot to say, but I just don't have the energy to write it down at the moment. I've got a major case of the blahs...