Sometimes I just get so mad at myself for making bad decisions that have led me to the unenviable position I'm in now. For example, if I had stayed in my unhappy first marriage, then maybe I'd have living children right now and I would certainly not be in mountains of debt (my ex was frugal to a fault). In my heart of hearts I know he wasn't the man for me, but sometimes that life seems so appealing.

It feels weird to be in my body. It's bizarre to think that I'll probably never have another period again. I can't remember the last time I even looked for signs of oncoming menses. Whenever it was, it was really the last time. I'm starting to gain weight again, but this is probably more down to being too depressed to exercise, than just the hormonal changes. And this depresses me even more.

My brother's wife is due in a week, and I really can't fake any enthusiasm about the whole event. I made a FCBMB* promise to come down and visit when the baby's born and I only felt marginally guilty for lying.

If it isn't already obvious, I'm feeling very sorry for myself today. I can't imagine any path that is going to bring me closer to even a modicum of happiness. I'm enjoying nothing these days and I resent having to be cook, laundress and chauffeur for my husband... You know what, he can make supper tonight. I don't care if it's scrambled eggs with marmite, as long as I don't have to make it...



*Fingers Crossed Behind My Back

It really is too bad you live so far away. Julie and I are planning a good shopping and drinking excursion to help us in our self-pity parties.

{{{hugs}}}

I am so sorry. You don't deserve any of this.

You have had so many hard hits in just a couple of years that I don't know how you could not be depressed... And depression really sucks...

I'm so sorry. I wish we could really all join in a shopping/drinking excursion.

A shopping and drinking excursion sounds like just the ticket! Catherine, I bet you and Julie will have a fabulous time! Sarah, Anam and everyone else -- we'll all just have to be there in spirit...

Who wouldn't feel depressed considering the circumstances?

Multiple personalities would come in handy now and again. It would be nice to be a carefree person now and again.
On the flip side, I'd be a very depressed person on those other days then.

Take care.