Tuesday, October 03, 2006

No more answers

Thanks to Anam and DBM for checking up on me. I've been meaning to post for a while, just to say that I'm okay. To be honest, I've been so sad about what this complete loss of fertility means that I've found it hard to come in here and write about it. Losing Lydia was a nightmare that I couldn't imagine reliving. This new reality is a brand new kind of hell. The only way I can describe is that it feels like I've been away on a long holiday and come home to find that my parents have died and that I've missed their funeral. Sudden, inexplicable loss that has no normal path of grief. I wake up every morning with this reality slamming me in the face and most days it makes me want to take a handful of sleeping pills and stay asleep for a very long time. I don't mean to say that I'm suicidal or anything, I just mean that I don't want to have to deal with this.

I've gone beyond the "it's not fair" stage, I mean it's obvious that none of this is fair. It is what it is and I have to find some way of dealing with it. My husband keeps trying to get me to talk about it, asking me why it's so important for me to have my own children. This isn't callous as it sounds, he's trying to get me to express my feelings of loss in order to try to heal, but I can barely put these thoughts into words right now.

I go back and forth about giving up all hope of ever carrying another baby, and grasping at any straw that could point to such a thing happening. I was prescribed HRT, but so far I haven't taken it. I had thought that since my symptoms were manageable that I would try doing this sans drugs, but a couple of things are making me rethink this. First, in order to combat higher risks for heart disease, osteoporosis and other sundry serious ailments brought on my premature menopause, I would have to seriously and consistently exercise, eat well and take calcium three times a day. These are all things I should be doing any way, but I'm not sure if it's in my nature to be consistent with such a regime. Secondly, 10% of women in my situation are able to conceive through spontaneous ovulation and HRT seems to increase this likelihood. But I'm really not putting much faith in being a *good* statistic after all this time. To be perfectly honest, the main reason I am not taking my HRT is this: I don't want to have a period if I can't get pregnant. I don't want the monthly reminder that my body doesn't work and that all of the mess and inconvenience will *never* have a positive purpose.

Anyway, that's where my head's at these days. It may be a while before my next post, but rest assured that if things get really bad I'm sure I'll be back in here to rant! I still try to keep up with the rest of blogland at least once or twice a week and if anyone wants to get in touch, I'm available by email at: ann.howellATgmail.com. Be well, everyone!
:: posted by Ann Howell, 3:00 PM | link | 7 comments |