Tuesday, October 03, 2006

No more answers

Thanks to Anam and DBM for checking up on me. I've been meaning to post for a while, just to say that I'm okay. To be honest, I've been so sad about what this complete loss of fertility means that I've found it hard to come in here and write about it. Losing Lydia was a nightmare that I couldn't imagine reliving. This new reality is a brand new kind of hell. The only way I can describe is that it feels like I've been away on a long holiday and come home to find that my parents have died and that I've missed their funeral. Sudden, inexplicable loss that has no normal path of grief. I wake up every morning with this reality slamming me in the face and most days it makes me want to take a handful of sleeping pills and stay asleep for a very long time. I don't mean to say that I'm suicidal or anything, I just mean that I don't want to have to deal with this.

I've gone beyond the "it's not fair" stage, I mean it's obvious that none of this is fair. It is what it is and I have to find some way of dealing with it. My husband keeps trying to get me to talk about it, asking me why it's so important for me to have my own children. This isn't callous as it sounds, he's trying to get me to express my feelings of loss in order to try to heal, but I can barely put these thoughts into words right now.

I go back and forth about giving up all hope of ever carrying another baby, and grasping at any straw that could point to such a thing happening. I was prescribed HRT, but so far I haven't taken it. I had thought that since my symptoms were manageable that I would try doing this sans drugs, but a couple of things are making me rethink this. First, in order to combat higher risks for heart disease, osteoporosis and other sundry serious ailments brought on my premature menopause, I would have to seriously and consistently exercise, eat well and take calcium three times a day. These are all things I should be doing any way, but I'm not sure if it's in my nature to be consistent with such a regime. Secondly, 10% of women in my situation are able to conceive through spontaneous ovulation and HRT seems to increase this likelihood. But I'm really not putting much faith in being a *good* statistic after all this time. To be perfectly honest, the main reason I am not taking my HRT is this: I don't want to have a period if I can't get pregnant. I don't want the monthly reminder that my body doesn't work and that all of the mess and inconvenience will *never* have a positive purpose.

Anyway, that's where my head's at these days. It may be a while before my next post, but rest assured that if things get really bad I'm sure I'll be back in here to rant! I still try to keep up with the rest of blogland at least once or twice a week and if anyone wants to get in touch, I'm available by email at: ann.howellATgmail.com. Be well, everyone!
:: posted by Ann Howell, 3:00 PM

7 Comments:

I can't say I understand, but I can feel your emptiness. Just a drop of it.

It is bottomless.
Blogger lorem ipsum, at 10/03/2006 8:32 PM  
Thanks for updating... I've been checking and wondering.

I can attempt to imagine what I might feel having to confront a total loss of fertility. And it is huge and overwhelming.

I can see why it is hard to talk about.

Hugs
Blogger SWH, at 10/04/2006 8:45 AM  
I've been checking back often to see whether you'd posted. I have an idea of what you must be going through (because I may be going through it myself) and I really have no words either. Just take care of yourself as best you can, that's all.{hug}
Blogger zarqa, at 10/04/2006 6:38 PM  
I've been checking in on you too - I wish I had something thought provoking to say. many hugs.
Blogger stat763, at 10/04/2006 10:48 PM  
I understand a wee bit of what you are going through as it was uncertain if I'd be able to have another baby...but then I was able to so I certainly don't understand the depth of your loss now. I'm sorry. Take care.
Blogger grumpyABDadjunct, at 10/06/2006 10:16 AM  
This sounds so empty and hollow, but I wish there was something I could say or do to make this right - to make things even the tiniest bit better for you. It's so flocking unfair that you're in the situation you are, and so unfair that the odds are stacked against you the way they are after all you've already been through. It's not right. And I'm so sorry.

God, I'm just so sorry.
Blogger msfitzita, at 10/07/2006 11:03 PM  
I am so glad you commented on my blog. I think of you often and have been checking your blog, wondering how you are doing.

Yes from what I have read in the past I think you do know my struggle with my husband... and I so appreciated your input. It is good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel providing we both make an effort. I think I will have to initiate that but if I don't we're going to end up someplace not so good.

Hope things are okay with you. Take care.
Blogger onegreyhorse, at 11/16/2006 8:30 PM  

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