I must admit that I'm having a bad day. The project from hell (trade show) threatens never to end, my dog ate the heel of my good boots for the third time in a month and I've got a raging headache. I dcided to try to unwind a bit between coming home from my client's office and starting work again, so I cracked open a beer, put on Radio 4 and settled down for 20 minutes of solitaire. But as I listened to the radio, I found myself tensing up even more than before. It should have been a harmless program, the reading of the memoires of the wife of a British minister (politician, not cleric) during the war. She started off talking about her early years, teaching in a London girls' school, then meeting and marrying her husband. But then of course almost instantly after marriage she found herself "encumbered" by a new baby, and then the two more that quickly followed. This is a story that the whole world seems to take for granted and that I will never be able to tell. There will be no light-hearted remembrances of the carefree, happy times before the children just "happened" to come along. Everything will be planned and calculated and ... well, what am I talking about. It is very probably that none of this will happen at all. That I am doomed to be childless and at the rate things are going, alone.
Fuck it, I am in too bad a mood to do this right now. I'll try again tomorrow...
(On a side note, I can't believe it's been over a week since my last post. It has been a busy week, but that's no excuse. Especially since the change of season has put me in a rather reflective mood lately, tonight aside. Now that the snow is finally almost all gone, little sprouts are starting to poke through the matted wet leaves that cover my flower beds. The lawns, on the other hand, are a sea of mud, but that's another story.)
I hate that the perfect plan is lost to all of us too. My only hope is that when another child does come into our lives (and it WILL) we'll be overwhelmed with feelings of love and gratitude that we otherwise wouldn't have known to feel.
Well, that's what I imagine anyway. Whatever gets your through the day, right?
Lots of (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
On my Starbucks cup yesterday was a quote from some sports guy saying that everyone in professional sports should take the time every now and then to watch kids play sports, as a reminder of what the game is really about. Of course my mind naturally went to the thought of never seeing my kids play sports.
You can never really escape it, so all's that left is to deal.