Okay, so I've decided that I'm not going to give up without a fight. After spending a dreadful weekend in a deep depression (and dragging my husband down into it, I might add), riddled with peri-suicidal thoughts in the darkness of night, I woke up this morning feeling... just as dreadful and depressed. Careful not to go over the edge completely, I tried to at least go through the motions of my morning routine, checking emails, making phone calls, etc. Once I had done the basics for the day, I decided to do a little more research into the FSH situation. Most of it was confirming what the doctor had said, which is that numbers as high as mine were the sign of full-blown, non-reversible menopause. But then a ray of hope was shone when I came across the High FSH Support Forum (there's a message board for just about everything these days!) and after a quick introduction was warmly welcomed by some very helpful women who pointed me toward some useful links. It seems that there is a slight possibility that this sudden menopausal state could have been brought about by a combination of high stress (check!), sedentary lifestyle (check!) and poor diet (check!). After doing some more research on my own, I found this nugget on PubMed (US Government medical site):

Ovarian dysfunction, stress, and disease: a primate continuum.

Kaplan JR, Manuck SB.

Department of Pathology, Wake Forest University, School of Medicine, Winston-Salem, NC, USA.

Menopause is recognized as a period of increased risk for coronary heart disease (CHD) and osteoporosis. Vulnerability to these conditions is often attributed to the naturally occurring estrogen deficiency characteristic of this part of the life cycle. Premenopausal reductions in endogenous estrogen occasioned by functional ovarian abnormalities or failure are hypothesized to be similarly pathogenic and to accelerate development of CHD and osteoporosis prematurely, thereby increasing the health burden of older women. These functional abnormalities, which occur along a continuum from mild, luteal phase progesterone deficiency to amenorrhea, are relatively common and are often attributed to psychogenic factors (stress, anxiety, depression, or other emotional disturbance), exercise, or energy imbalance. Although numerous investigators have commented on these functional deficits, the abnormalities can be difficult to diagnose and are generally unappreciated for the contribution they may make to postmenopausal disease. Studies in nonhuman primates confirm that these deficits are easily induced by psychological stress and exercise, and that they accelerate the development of cardiovascular disease and perhaps bone loss in the presence of a typical North American diet. However, functional reproductive deficits are also reversible and are thus potentially amenable to environmental or behavioral intervention. Data from both women and nonhuman primates support the hypothesis that functional reproductive deficits are adaptive when triggered appropriately but are detrimental when activated in an environment (e.g., sedentary lifestyle, high-fat diet) permissive to the development of chronic disease.

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I've got my dad (the physician) looking up the full text of the article to see what it's all about. My dad has become my right-hand man in this research and it helps that he has access to all of the medical journals. He can get the real-deal info, not just the distilled pap that the rest of us mere mortals are allowed to see. Mind you, his initial research was not good, as the first article he came across indicated that stress *lowered* FSH levels. So, I'm trying not to hang on blindly to any semi-plausible tidbit that reinforces a positive outcome, but if there's any hope that a healthier lifestyle combined with major stress reduction could restore my fertility... well, I won't kick it out of bed for eating crackers!

Okay, well I think I've mixed enough metaphors for today. I hope it doesn't appear that I was crying wolf with my despondency over my results in the last post. I was (and am) truly devastated at the idea of not only my fertility being gone, but also losing a certain amount of "womanliness". Today I've realised, though, that if I don't give up hope just yet, maybe I can hang onto my sanity for a bit longer. And then in six months or a year when it's obvious that my periods aren't coming back (depsite being a totally fit, non-toxic, salad-eating babe, lol!), maybe time will have softened the blow and I will be able to take it in stride. Until then, I'm strapping on my sneaks and sweatin' my troubles away! Right after I finish this piece of fudge cake :)

hehehe...that's the spirit I like to see. If nothing else, it encourages me to pull myself up again. Thanks. :o)

I am glad things are looking a little less bleak. Can I have some of that fudge cake?

Yeah for research and hope! You are one tough broad. And I mean that in the most respectful, awe-some way.

I'm so glad you are feeling better. There is a book called Inconceivable by Julia Indichova. She had high fsh and brought it down through acupuncture, diet, etc. and got pregnant. I'm not giving up on you!

I love it when you get all proactive and stuff. Wishing you answers and hope.

Mmm... fudge cake. :)

Glad to see you found the FSH support group I'd been meaning to send to you ("d'oh!") and hopefully there are good answers to be found. I thumbed through "Inconceivable" myself at Borders last Friday, didn't get to the end though. Might be worth checking out of the library.

And I have to add that my word verification word is "uhamrwho" - you hammer who? Sounds like you *are* getting fiesty!

Inconcievable by Julia Indochiva, as others have mentioned, is a super optimistic look at high FSH. Also The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis says that high FSH doesn't always have to be a death sentence and details the ways in which acupuncture can open up blocked energies etc. and reverse FSH levels.
A woman in my yoga class in her early thirties was told that due to her high FSH it would be impossible for her to get pregnant with her own eggs. The doctors actually used the word "impossible". And she got pregnant naturally.
So, FWIW, there is always a lining of hope out there.

I have a dumb question for you. If it's true that you are going through menopause (and I hope that it's not), would it be possible to use an egg donor? Would that be something you would think about or not?

Theoretically, egg donation would be a possibility, but right now my position is no extreme measures (i.e., no IVF or IUI, either), but never say never, right? Financially it's off the radar for the time being, anyway. Maybe we'll revisit the issue in a year or two...

I've been wondering if trying to exercise more regularly would help my cycles regulate a little... And the stress thing... seriously... all you hear after you lose a baby is that 'next time it will all be ok'... but how are you supposed to get to that next time if the stress screws up your body. geesh...

i hope this week continued in a non-suicidal up swing...

hugs

I will be 42 in Dec. My fsh level was 16.8 recently after being 12.6 and 5.5. I have had a TON of constant stress! I am currently taking chinese herbs and getting accupuncture to help bring down my fsh. Any and all advice, info would really be apprectiated!!!!
Thanks!
Bonnie

Bonnie -- I don't have any words of wisdom, I'm afraid. My periods never returned, so it seems clear that I am now post-menopausal. If you haven't already found it, there's a great support group at: http://www.network54.com/Forum/209394/
I know how sad and frustrating it is to watch your fertility start deteriorating before you want it to. Best of luck!