Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Happily ever after
In the 4+ years since I lost Lydia, I've had many dreams about giving birth. In every single one of them, the ending was not good. The baby was either already dead or it died shortly afterwards. I have never, ever had a dream where I gave birth to a healthy, living baby. Until the other night! After a rather sleepless night, I finally got a few hours in and towards the end of this time I had this intense dream. I was at my parents' house and I was pregnant, about a month away from delivering. At one point, I was at the top of the stairs next to my father and I said that I felt "funny". He put his hand on my belly and the baby started moving around like crazy, but not in a good way. "The baby is sick," he said, "You are must go into labor now." (my dad is a doctor, so I trusted what he was saying) I wanted to go straight to the hospital, but he said there was no time. The next thing I knew I was in my parents' bedroom with both of them there. I was worried about making a mess of the bad, but they told me not to worry about it. I was wearing one of my mother's flannel nightgowns and standing (!) on the bed while my parents each supported one of my arms. Oddly, the placenta and all of the fluid came out first, which left the baby in there without any "support". I knew it was important that the baby come out as quickly as possible, so I began talking to the baby, saying things like, "Don't you want to meet Mommy? We're all anxious to see you. It's time to come out now so Mommy can hold you and keep you safe." And here's where it gets really weird -- I could hear the baby talking back to me. Not in a creepy way, not even in full sentences, but it was like I could sense what the baby was thinking, "So warm, want to stay in here next to Mommy, don't want to go", etc. In the end, the baby decided to make an appearance and came out safe and sound. When my father handed her to me (yes, it was a girl), I wept with joy. And then I woke up.
It was such a nice feeling, to hold my living child in my arms, even if it was only a dream. Maybe I had this dream now, because of my decision to try IVF... maybe I'm more convinced that I will have a living baby someday, I don't know. All I do know is that I'm ready for this particular dream to come true.
:: posted by Ann Howell, 1:43 PM
I think you're absolutely right, that your dream represents your feeling that you're on the right path. For what it's worth, I think you are.
How awful to have recurring dreams about pregnancies going bad. It must be difficult to shake the feeling of sadness when you wake.
Hopefully, you're happy dream will come true. Good luck with the IVF.
I have similarly vivid dreams, but mine are more of a mix than yours by the sound of it. If the dream left you feeling hopeful, rather than angry/sad at what was denied to you in real life, then I too agree it must be about the hope you're creating by trying IVF. I'll join you in hoping.
I hope you get to live that feeling one day soon in your waking life. G*d knows you deserve it. As if that has anything to do with it. Wishing you all the luck I can muster :)