Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Grrrrrrrrr! ...and then back to reality (and a decision)

Where the hell does this come from? I woke up this morning feeling so angry, I could have punched somebody (and my husband was dangerously close). And indeed I was angry at my husband, along with my brother, random aquaintances, myself, the world -- but mostly I was just angry at the state of my life. Angry that Lydia was dead, angry that I couldn't conceive any more children, angry that I had to live with so much sadness. And the anger is still swirling around me, despite the fact that I am fully aware that plenty of people have it much worse off than I do and that I don't hold the patent on hard luck stories.

And the only thing that seems to take the edge off the anger is to give into nostalgia, bring myself back to a time when my life didn't have so much subtext [what am I talking about? -- honestly!]. A little dose of Bonnie Tyler does wonders in these situations...


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Now that that little crisis is over, I can talk a little bit about where I'm at. I'm at the point where I know I'll be ready to have another child soon. And although I am upset that my body has stopped performing its womanly functions, I really couldn't care two figs that any child I will have will not be related to me biologically. How vain would it be if I did, I mean, really! That being said, I have more or less decided that I want to try the whole donor egg thing, so that I can experience a live birth, if the universe will allow me that. And then maybe we'll see about adoption to complete the family.

In a way, I think it'll be cool to be an "older" mom. When other mothers my age are wistfully looking at their teenagers, missing the time when they would rock their babies in the crook of their arms, I'll be doing just that with mine. And having teenagers in my 50s is bound to keep us young and energetic, right? :) Anyway, I really do like the fact that we still have this fun part of life left to experience. It's like saving the best chocolate in the box for last.

And on that note, I may as well sign off. We got back from a two week holiday by the lake on Sunday (maybe that's why I was in such a bad mood this morning), and we still haven't unpacked. Time to head back to the ranch and get that sorted out. Too bad I don't have any Air Supply for the road...
:: posted by Ann Howell, 4:02 PM

6 Comments:

Our how about some Toto? I heard some the other day, and it took me waaaaaaay back.

Your anger sounds very fitting. And I am so glad that you have decided to go the donor egg route. I hope with all my heart that it works out for you.
Blogger Kath, at 9/10/2008 4:40 AM  
Hope it works out for you too!

We had our kids a little late, but (as seems to be the family tradition) married late too. The grandkids will probably be a few years coming… at least I HOPE so.
Blogger FARfetched, at 9/10/2008 11:07 AM  
Wow! Big decisions! I hope the egg donor adventure is an instant hit, good luck!
Blogger Lut C., at 9/10/2008 4:44 PM  
Keep us posted.....
Blogger niobe, at 9/11/2008 10:34 AM  
That is huge and wonderful!
Blogger stat763, at 9/11/2008 3:21 PM  
YAY!!! I'm so happpy to hear this exciting news! I'm sending you all sorts of good luck and good vibes and prayers and whatever else I can think of. I want you to have your happy ending too.
Blogger msfitzita, at 9/29/2008 10:24 PM  

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