I had a Lydia dream last night. I dreamt that she was with us as a tiny baby, maybe a month or two old. We couldn't seem to do anything right, though. K. was trying to change her diaper and making a complete mess of it (literally). Eventually, he figured out that if he sprayed her down first in the bathtub, he was able to keep her clean enough before the new diaper went on. I tried to feed her and couldn't find anything but whole grain bread (the kind with seeds in it!). In my infinite wisdom, I cut up the bread and feed it to her, even though she had no teeth. Miraculously, she was able to eat it and I was so proud of having such a precocious child! Soon enough, it occurred to me that this couldn't be happening, that Lydia couldn't be here, and the dream ended with Social Services coming to take her away (obviously parents who resort to hosing her down and feeding her grainy bread are not safe!). I awoke feeling very sad.

I miss her so much and sometimes it feels like time has done nothing to help me heal. It'll be her third birthday this June. Three years ago today I was holding my breath as the first trimester was nearing an end... Oh, I don't want to get into all the "what if's" and "if I'd only known's", it's just that sometimes it's still so raw and it depresses me to think that this is the way my life is going to be from now on. I know that most of the time I'm able to cope fine and that these moments aren't as endless and strangling they were at the beginning, in effect, it really has gotten better. But when I wake up from a dream where I held her in my arms and looked at her face, and I'm hit all over again with the cold reality of her loss, I feel so close to those early dark days.

Otherwise, it's been a good first (full) week at my new job. The routine has made the days fly by, but I haven't decided whether that's a good thing or not. I'm not quite enjoying life as much as I'd like to, but I'm not wallowing in despair as much as I had been, so I guess I should take the "glass half full" take on it. On the plus side, its FRIDAY! And even if I have no where to go or nothing exciting to do, at least I can stay up late and maybe enjoy a couple glasses of wine. I can worry about leading a fulfilling life tomorrow....

And Happy (belated) Birthday to Catherine!!!! Wishing you a happy, peaceful year full of soft yarn and lots of chocolate :)

It is so good to read about your life again - the bad and the good! I missed you. I hope things continue to improve and that you get what you want.

Thanks! Soft yarn, chocolate, and my animals just ought to do the trick.