The quest for a child has been such a focus for so many years, that letting go of that is like dealing with a different kind of death. That being said, the idea of adopting (down the road) is seeming more and more like a really good idea. I am adopted myself and my husband never knew his father, but we both had such positive experiences with "alternative" parental figures (mine with my adoptive mother and father, and the hubster with a social worker who fostered him throughout his teens), that it seems right that we should continue the experience within our own family. Before I had Lydia, I thought it was really important for me to be a "proper" mother, but somehow the experience of carrying her and giving birth to her has made me realise that it's more than just biology that connects us to those we love. I know I would feel no less a mother, nor no less important to a child who isn't biologically linked to me. I was lucky enough to hold my own flesh and blood in my arms, but now I just want to be a parent, in whatever form that takes.

In other news, I have a new contract! I start full-time on Thursday, which will be the first time in over a year that I've had full-time work. Mind you, a year ago I wouldn't have been capable of going into an office 40 hours a week, but now that I'm feeling a bit less desolate, I'm looking forward to a new challenge. And it couldn't come at a better time -- 2 more months at where we were at financially and I would have had to sell the house. It has been a very bleak winter -- to cut back, we eschewed the oil furnace in favour of electric space heaters and wood fires (we do have a fireplace insert, which is like having a wood stove). We also ate a lot of vegetarian meals, drank instant coffee and hibernated in our bedroom most weekends, because it was too cold anywhere else in the house! Now that this austerity is just about over, I can almost look back and laugh. Perhaps when I've got a fridge full of fancy cheese and piping hot radiators, then maybe I'll have a giggle at our winter of discomfort...

So, please let this contract hold out for many months to come... please let our quest for an family be fulfilled, however it happens... please let my husband and I be happy together as much as possible, and be a comfort to each other when we can't... please make my dream of living in London actually come true this time... please let me fulfill by potential for babeness and get into better shape... please let me outwardly appreciate all of the people, both virtually and in person, who support me and inspire me...

That's all of the "pleases" that I can think of right now. It goes without saying that a couple of dozen very important ones go to everyone out there who is grieving or in despair regarding child loss or infertility. May we all get what we want, one way or another.

Congratulations on the job! That is great! I have to admit that I giggled a bit at the phrase "our winter of discomfort." Here is to fancy cheeses and boiling radiators!

i hope you get everything you want!

I am so happy to hear about all your new plans. And of course I would love to meet up with you in London in 2008. And I hope that you get everything you ask for her, because god dammit, you deserve it! And good luck starting your job tomorrow.

I like your new look!:)

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I've got you on bloglines now and I do try to keep up with reading. Just can't bring myself back to writing. Eventhough things have been looking up lately.:) I haven't worked out in my head how much I want to share. Superstitions, and all that.

Sounds like you've made a good peace with the idea of adoption. And great news about the job!

Just wanted to say I have been sercretly hoping you might consider adopting. I know our life has been changed forever by our daughter and I can't imagine things different now that we have her in our arms. Good luck on the job too-- I'm glad things are looking up!

I'm saying please too - for you, for me and for all of us.

((((HUGS)))