Now that the holidays are over and 2007 is here to offer a clean slate with fresh ideas, hopes and dreams, it seems like a good time to dig back into this blog. First, my news and updates: it has been over a year since my LMP (time to finally get rid of those old boxes of tampons, lol!), so I am officially post-menopausal. I have decided not to take HRT, mostly because my symptoms are mild (the very occasional hot flash) and with good diet and exercise I should be able to offset the risks of bone loss and heart disease. It's been over six months since I was last in a doctor's office and even though I'm due for my annual gyno checkup, I'm rather loathe to go in. Despite everything, it's been kind of nice not being poked and prodded nor worrying about my reproductive state; I can kind of do without the reminder. But it would be a real bitch to die of cervical cancer or some dumb thing after all of this, so I'm sure I'll make an appointment in due course.

In other news, we're moving to London! Well, only in the fall of 2008, but at least we've got a plan in place. I'm going to go to the Cordon Bleu cooking academy for a year so that I will be more qualified as a food writer. The thought of this -- moving to London and going back to school -- is really keeping me going at the moment. That's what's behind the title of this post -- finally having a dream. I'm trying to focus on that as much as possible, even though the other losses feel like a 10-ton weight on my back sometimes (well, most always, if I'm honest). It does give me hope and a sense of purpose, which is no small thing these days.

Regarding that overpowering sense of loss, I find myself vacillating between being terribly pragmatic ("At least you had a chance to carry Lydia, some people don't even get that.""Look at all the marrieds-with-kids that you know who feel vaguely empty and dissatisfied with life -- parenthood is not necessarily the answer to self-fulfillment") to wallowing in an almost blissful state of self-pity. I say "blissful", because this self-pity has become a real friend to me over the years and even though it can be overpoweringly painful at times, it's a known, reliable pain that is comforting to have around. I know this is an unhealthy way to live and that I have to break the pattern at some point. I'm much better than I was a few months ago (pretty much when I stopped blogging). Sometime at the end of November I really hit rock bottom. One Monday morning I woke up and I couldn't get out of bed. I wasn't feeling ill, I just couldn't face the day. The blackness that had been creeping up insidiously over the previous weeks had darkened my mood so completely that the mere act of shuffling to the bathroom to brush my teeth seemed like an insurmountable feat. Somehow, I managed to pull on my shoes and coat to drive my husband to work, but as we were in the car I told him that I couldn't go on like this. I said that I needed help, probably drugs, possibly hospitalization. I just couldn't imagine living one more day like this, the pain and the sense of despair was so great. I spent the rest of that day back in bed, reading and surfing the web half-heartedly, napping whenever I could. I picked my husband up from work at the end of the day and we talked a bit, but I felt like a complete zombie. Somehow, despite all of the naps I'd taken throughout the day, I managed to fall into a deep sleep that night. And when I awoke the next day I felt... better. It was really miraculous. It was like I had to hit rock bottom in order to scrub away all of the slime at the bottom of my psyche and then I could finally look back up and see some light peering in. My mood improved slowly but surely after that, and although I've had a few dips here and there, I've been doing much better in general.

There's lots more to say, but for now I'll leave things on a hopeful note. Life has so many wonderful things to offer and it's time that I started enjoying them. Especially things with chocolate -- waistline be damned!

I'm sorry you had to find the bottom, but am glad that since then you've been feeling better (often... i know it can't be always). I've thought about you a lot and recently (I forget how it came up...) was telling my husband about you and Lydia and how her birthday is a year before Kate's.

Any way, I am glad that you have a new dream. Dreams are good.

I look forward to hearing more about what you are up to.

A dream is good. I've missed hearing about your dreams. That sounds weird, doesn't it? I don't mean it weird...I mean it in a I'm-so-glad-you're-blogging-again sort of way.

It's good to hear from you, and to hear that things are getting marginally better. I love the idea of the cordon bleu school, that is definitely one of my alternative ideas!

Welcome back! Glad to hear you've turned a corner. As you've noticed from my blog, I've been doing more yoga which is my passion and I dream to teach someday.

London sounds awesome!!! Can't wait to hear more about that.

Wonderful title, now I need to go and add some Smiths to my iPod.

I wondered how you were doing, but figured we'd hear from you when it suited you.

You sound a lot more balanced than when you last posted. That's good.

Cooking acadamy, sounds yummy!

Nice to 'see' you again! It's great to hear that you are feeling better and dreaming such marvellous dreams:) Better start collecting adjectives for your new career!

I'm glad you're back blogging again, and the plans for London sound wonderful. I have been thinking about you and hoping you were doing okay...