I am sick of hearing myself talk about the mechanations of my wounded marriage, even if it's mostly interior monologue (it's really hard to make your inner voice shut up). This post was supposed to be Part II in a series of why my husband acted like a deviant bastard for so long and what it means for the future of our relationship, but I just can't hash this over any more. The gist of it is this: I really don't know. The only mindset that is giving me any peace right now is to think of him like a recovering crack addict, and try to help him help himself. As near as I can tell, he'd been living in a depressive fog for longer than I'd known him and the polyamorous lifestyle was a way of quieting his own inner demons. So, now that the rug has been pulled out from under him, he has time and space to come to terms with whatever it was that he was running away from. On his part, perhaps there was a subconscious wish for me to find out so that I'd leave him, thereby proving to himself that either he was unlovable and/or women can't be trusted to give unconditional love. Given his relationship with his mother growning up, the latter wouldn't surprise me. (Okay, I guess I am going to talk about this, after all!)

As an odd by-product of all of this, we are being more honest with each other than we'd ever been before. I've never been good at intimacy. I think I was so self-conscious about myself, that as soon as I detected a safe comfort level with someone, I just started taking things for granted, skipping over any scary sharing of intimate thoughts and desires. I've always thought of myself as independent, so I learned not to rely on others for my needs. So, if my partner didn't ever cook me dinner or hold my hand in public or send me flowers, it was *okay*. I could cook for the both of us and I didn't need the other stuff. And on a certain level, I still feel that way. I don't think it's fair or necessary to go into a relationship with a list of non-negotiable terms and expect your partner to reprogram his personality just to placate you. On the other hand, partners should want to make each other happy, and it's not unreasonable to ask for things that you'd like. This is elementary stuff for most normal people, but I'm a slow learner when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

So, for the time being as far as the marriage goes we're taking it one day at a time. Nothing is written in stone, yet, but we're being as kind, considerate and loving toward each other as we can, and that is honestly making the atmosphere around here very pleasant.

That is honestly very good of you, to try to figure things out and figure him out. I wish you the best of luck!

Some situations are really not recoverable, though. I guess you know that already, so i should shut up and just say good luck...

Good to hear that you're communicating... our mutual pals at the "bar" will be proud. ;-)

On some level, I think most everyone is trying to deal with something in their lives, be it a screwed-up childhood, trying to figure out what it means to be an adult, or whatever. Those of us who are married have an additional burden, trying to figure out what the #3!! it is about our partners as well as ourselves.

I really hope it works out & you can get past this.

no matter what happens, you deserve all the pleasantness and the self-knowledge you can get, so enjoy them. :)

That sounds amazing... I think it must take a very good person to be able to take time to see beyond the anger and then reassess the relationship.

I just hope that you make sure you do take care of yourself. You are deserve to be happy and have someone be good to you.

There comes a point where you are, simply, "over it." Know what I mean? maybe you've reached that point.

You are an incredibly introspective and thoughtful person. Life isn't always black and white and it is when people try to make it that way that they run into trouble. You see the shades of grey and accept them for what they are and I think for that you will come out on top.