I've decided that the best way to deal with this diagnosis of premature menopause is to stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not true. Not a very logical approach, I know, but one that oddly gives me some peace of mind. The way I look at it, two things can happen: 1) The diagnosis is correct and I will be barren for the rest of my days. 2) My FSH will self-correct, my periods will return and my fertility will be restored somewhere down the line. Even if the latter turns out to be the case, given my age and history with Lydia, it may be rather difficult for me to achieve and maintain a pregnancy. So, I can either spend every waking minute worrying about my FSH, LH and PDQ levls, tracking my temperature, cervical fluid and eyeball mucus, while engaging in military death march coitus every 1.64 days... or I can go about my life and try to solve some of the bigger questions, like why I can't go to the market without buying at least 8 rolls of toilet tissue "just in case". Seriously, if my system magically rights itself and I am blessed with another healthy pregnancy (and I can manage to deliver a live baby), then wonderful. If, however, in a couple of years my cycles are still MIA and there hasn't been a miracle conception, then we can explore alternatives, like adoption. There are plenty of existing children who need loving families and I know first-hand that the bond between adoptive parents and their children isn't any less than that with biological families. So, I may never have the experience of breast feeding, but I still may be able to experience motherhood.

And speaking of motherhood, no matter what happens I will always be Lydia's mother. I felt her grow inside of me, I got to hold her and kiss her when she was born. Some women (my own mother included) never even get that, so I am very lucky in a lot of ways. Lydia will always be in my heart and I will never let any diagnosis regarding my fertility interfere with my love for her. Even if she is the only biological child that I will ever have, I won't feel cheated.

All that being said, all of this has made me think a lot about my future and what I want to do; what I need to be as happy and fulfilled as I can be. I need to make more of a contribution to the world and to do that I need to be somewhere where there is some action going on. So, I've decided that I really do want to move to London, at least for a few years. I may come back to Montreal once I have all of the "big-city" stuff out of my system, so I'm not going to burn my bridges here. The hubster and I are in negotiations about possible move scenarios (yes, we're staying together -- I will write more about that on a future date). I'd like to be there before Christmas, ideally settling in sometime in October. But we shall see...

Right, lots to do today, so I'd best get on with it. I'm on pins and needles waiting for Milo's big entrance. Good luck Laura and Justin!!!

À bientôt, mes chères...

i hope you get your heart's desire, however and whatever that turns out to be. and i hope to give you some good news soon. :)

Peace of mind, that's most appealing. I really need to work on getting some of that.

You're moving!? How exciting.

I think you sound wonderful! It's hard to get to a place where you can focus on the now instead of the 'should have beens'.

I hope you have some wonderful adventures coming soon to your life!

You sound so darned sane! If you keep on with this attitude you will be able to create a complex, wonderful and fulfilling life.

Well we MA natives will definitely have to meet up when you come to London! (of course, London is so huge that would could end up living an hour or two away from each other! I suspect you will end up much closer to central London than I am; I'm in south-west London, not too far from Richmond and Twickenham). I look forward to seeing how your plans progress. (((hugs)))

What DBM said....you *do* sound remarkably sane. I am very impressed. And wow, moving to London sounds wonderful....i hope you can work out a way to do it!