First, thank you all for your unconditional support regarding my last post. It was indeed a very difficult subject to write about, which is why it took me until now to do so. On one level it’s more than a little humiliating to find out that one’s husband has been a serial philanderer for longer than you’ve been together, but I take some odd consolation in the fact that I was conned by a professional-grade lout with years of experience.

Okay, that was more bitter than I intended. But in vino veritas. I'm enjoying a nice after-lunch glass of sangria, and not because I'm distraught, but because I'm feeling *good*. It's a beautiful day, I finished a satisfying web project and for the first time in a while I'm feeling a sense of purpose. The reason for the newfound direction will have to wait, however, as first I must deal with my feeling around the state of my marriage. So, here we go...

When I first met my husband I was at the tail end of an unhappy first marriage -- we both were. K. and I worked together and both of us seemed to find something in each other that was hopeful and good. Not that we ever had much time alone -- the odd cigarette break or waiting for others to arrive at the local watering hole. But there was an undeniable connection. This went on for the duration of my short tenure at this particular job. When my then marriage finally kicked the bucket, I had been working at another place for a few months and it didn't take long for K. and I to get together. It was very rocky from the start. In the two years before he moved in we had operatic break-ups on a number of occasions. At the heart of the matter was my desire to "move forward" and his being understandably gun-shy about getting into another committed relationship.

All this to say that this relationship was never smooth sailing. That being said, I had always felt that K. and I had great potential. I felt more passionately about him than anyone else with whom I'd had an adult relationship and in a blindly romantic fashion I always believed that our love would win out. But just as ill-equipped as he was to live up to this potential, I took too much for granted and let pride get into the way of expressing how much I loved and appreciated him. I don't mean to say that I was a cold-hearted cow, but I gave him a long lead in the name independence. In trying to give him (and me) "space", I helped created a chasm between us that allowed for any number of... I was going to say indescretions, but I'm really not going to go down the route of blaming myself for his infidelity. All I mean to say is that I tacitally agreed to a certain amount of separateness in our lives and it was within this gap that he was able to form (or keep, as the case applies) inappropriate relationships with other people.

Once he moved in I took this as the big green light that our relationship was for keeps. I started introducing him to my friends and I brought him home to meet my family. But none of this could be reciprocated on his end. He had no local friends (the only friends he had were back in England) and he had cut all ties with his family. And this last point is very significant. You see, I came from a very stable (though somewhat unconventional) family. My parents had been high school sweethearts, were still married and I was close to them. I had two brothers and a sister, and although my sister had fucked off years ago, I was still relatively close to my brothers. So, I had a reference for what love and family could be. K. had no such reference. He had an extremely unstable family -- a mentally ill mother, an absent father and an abusive step-father. He left home when he was 15 and never looked back. So the idea that he could happlily reconcile himself to domestic bliss was really never in the cards. He had never been able to trust anyone in his life and things weren't going to magically change just because he started hanging his shirts in my closet.

more in Part II

I give you a lot of credit for being able to see depths of your relationship beyond the betrayal. I think sometimes when stuff like that happens, people only see the infidelity and nothing else. Everything before and between and after seems to get forgotten. I think you are on the right track in examining the roots of your relationship troubles.

I hope nothing more than for you to find peace, wherever and with whoever that may be.

Its good that you're not blaming yourself. I'm also glad you're feeling good and have found a direction.