I have an old acquaintance who I knew just before she got married 8 years ago or so. Since then, she has had two children and keeps everyone in her life updated on her family via a blog. She started writing it back in the days before blogrolls, so we all get emailed when there is a new post. I followed her through the first pregnancy, but the second one coincided with my loss, so I stopped reading. I couldn't stop the update messages from coming in (there was no way to unsubscribe and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by asking to be taken off the list), so I just made a rule in my email program to automatically delete her messages. Anyway, she must have changed her email address, because one slipped through the other day and instead of binning it right away, I took a deep breath and followed the link to her blog. And, of course, what do I see but that this barely 30 year-old woman with a four year-old and an 18 month-old toddler is expecting again! They had just moved into a new home and they had just started talking about having another child when, surprise! And of course there is no history of loss to prevent her from immediately informing her family, friends and children about this nascent pregnancy, so she starts blathering on from day one about how hard it will be to have three small kids but of course she wouldn't trade it in for anything, blah, blah, blah (who me, bitter?). I quickly scrolled back through a few of her recent posts and found that she wrote about almost nothing else besides the cute antics of her children and what colours they should paint the rooms of the new house. Hmmm...

As soon as I got over my short-lived pity fest, I immediately started thinking about her situation. Living in uber-suburbia in some milquetoast midwestern town with three small kids and nothing to talk about besides baby puke and wallpaper samples -- okay, it's probably bliss for her, but it doesn't sound like living the dream to me. I guess I'm just trying to count my blessings right now. It's not sour grapes (a big part of me would love to be covered in baby puke right now), I swear. I have an opportunity to shake the etch-a-sketch of life and get a fresh start. Find out what I'm all about, with most of my roles stripped away from me. I won't be a wife or partner or mother (except in my heart). I'll have a clean slate. Albeit full of eraser marks, but ready to be drawn on. That's a poor analogy, because I don't want this to be a passive exercise. This next stage is going to be about me exploring my own desires and motivations. And if there happens to be some baby puke involved, I'll try not to blog about it too much.

I like that analogy, life as an etch-a-scetch.
Good luck on your new project.

I like the etch-a-scetch image...

I hope you have much luck in all new life steps... I'm trying to be good and not ask too many questions about what you think you're doing, but maybe you're not ready to talk about it. Or maybe you're not sure what the change will be, just that change is ok...

Part of your post hit me... "live the dream" is a saying a friend of ours swears by. He takes everyday and lives to to no one else's accord but his own. And he's a happy, fulfilled, kind, giving individual. He is a very real person with friends across the world. So there must be some truth to it. Live the dream... YOUR dream... as corny as it may seem... but it is the best way to go about your life.

you have the strength to build your own dream - i look forward to watching it happen.

Nice analogy. Yes, it is all relative isn't it. It's nice when you're strong enough to recognize that.{hug}