As I start becoming more and more comfortable about my decision to pull up sticks and move away from here, I find that fear is kicking in. Fear of being alone, fear of being overwhelmed by grief again, fear of regretting my decision. It reminds me of when I got into the 5th month of pregnancy and I was starting to show and feel the baby move. All of a sudden it dawned on me that in just a few months I'd have a real baby to deal with -- how would I cope? I was afraid of post-partum depression, being bored staying at home all day with the baby, not knowing what to do if the baby wouldn't stop crying, etc. Ironically, I don't think I spent more than a few random seconds worrying about the baby actually *dying*.

On the fertility front, I've just come back from my appointment with the specialist. It was a bit of a let down, as all he did was order some blood tests. I mean, really, the whole thing could have been conducted over the phone (which would have saved me 3 months waiting for this bloody appointment). The next available slot for my follow-up was July 19, so I'm just going to have to not think about this for a while. Off the top of his head, his hypothesis was either a thyroid problem or PCOS. I have no idea if either are treatable, or what the treatments would involve. He was encouraged by the fact that I respond to Provera (meaning I can actually menstruate), which probably rules out early menopause (which is what I was most worried about). For the time being, I'm just going to enjoy being period-free. I can wear white shorts whenever I want, woo-hoo!

Both are treatable, to a point. I know people with both low thyroid and PCOS who have had healthy, living babies. But it does lower your fertility, undeniably. But until you get those results, you are fine. You've had a baby, so you know you can do it.

(((((Hugs)))))