In June I will have been living in this house for 10 years. Which means that it will also be 10 years since I started trying to have children. Now, there was a divorce and a 3 year hiatus in there, but it has certainly been on my mind since then. It is odd to think that person I started out trying to have children with is not the person that I ended up having my first child with. And the person that I had my first child with will most likely not be the person with whom I have any subsequent children. I never thought that my life would get this complicated.

Ten years ago I was settling down with the wrong man. We had been married for 3 years and I had just started my first "real" job. We had plans about children, travel, home renovations, basically the whole "adult" package. What we didn't have any plans for were the real essentials like intellectual, spiritual and creative development. There was this chasm between us which couldn't be filled by the trappings of suburban life. So, when things fell apart a few years later it wasn't a huge surprise.

When I met my current husband, I really thought that I had learned some lessons and knew what I wanted and needed from a partner. Unfortunately, the same wasn't true for him. I guess I'm not terribly surprised that this relationship has gone down in flames, too, but I am surprised at how spectacularly it failed. I am surprised at how gullible and naive I could have been and how duplicitous and cold my partner could be. Given all of the loss and tragedy I've been through in the past few years, I guess it will take a lot to surprise me from now on.

The gears of the next phase of my life are starting to turn. By this fall I plan to be far away from here, starting out on a new chapter. I'm terrified of taking the leap, but I think I'm more terrified at the prospect of staying where I am, and that fact makes me more sure that I'm doing the right thing.

It sounds like you've experienced quite some turbulance in the past 10 years. I'm sorry to hear it isn't over yet. I hope the next phase brings you much happyness.

Big dramatic change sounds romantic when you don't actually have to do it... then it starts feeling a little scary. And doing it without the person you thought was a permanent part of your life must be very hard.

I hope the big change goes well and that you can fill us in on what you're doing when the time is right.

I really hope this new chapter is wonderful, you deserve some wonderful!

Oh God, I'm so sorry. I didn't know things were headed in this direction. I knew there were problems, but I didn't know it was this bad.

I'm really so sorry. You've been through so much already, and more loss and trauma must be so impossibly hard to bear.

I hope that the next chapter in your life brings you the peace and happiness you so deserve.

I thinking of you and sending you good thoughts and (((((HUGS))))

I am just so sorry for all the shit you've gone through and are still going through. I wish I oculd make it all better. Like dbm said, you really do deserve some wonderful. I hope it comes very soon. Big (((hugs)))