Every time I start to feel like I've got a foothold on my equilibrium, something happens and my mood takes a nosedive. This morning I took the dog outside and as we were walking around the backyard I started looking at all of the new growth sprouting up in the beds. Rather than being uplifting, this sight managed to depress me. It made me miss Lydia and all of the things we should be doing together, it made me miss the love that is slowly seeping out of my marriage, it made me miss happiness and optimism in general. I don't know where happiness is anymore, I don't know what to do to get it. After barely shedding a tear in the past month, I find myself sobbing uncontrollably this morning. Wailing once more for all of the losses and the sense of hopelessness that seems to have subsumed my life. I know that given the roller coaster that I'm on that soon this extreme sadness will end and somehow I will find a way to be productive and get through the day. And maybe tomorrow I'll have regained some small sense of purpose and I'll be able to smile and laugh, maybe even about this very post. For now, though, I'm back in the pit. And the view really sucks from here.

(Peers over the edge of the pit) You okay in there?

I'm better just knowing that someone's checking in on me, so thanks! :)

Yuck... i hate the hole. It's horrible and amazing how quickly you can end up there when you thought you were doing ok. I hope tomorrow is better. And i agree... spring growth just makes me think about the things i'm not doing with Kate in the nice weather... it's not all happy and joyfilled.

i find the spring growth depressing this year, too. maybe because i was too depressed in the fall to cut down all the dead stuff, so now the new stuff is framed in dried brown crap.

i'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. i wish there was something i could do to make it better. if only, huh?