It's amazing how the grief can really kick you in the butt, even after all of this time. I was just downstairs watching "The Name of the Rose" with my husband and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I just started thinking about holding my dead daughter in my arms. I relived the whole surreal scene in the hospital when the nurse placed her in my arms and left the room and I was left alone with this tiny, silent creature. And once again I had tears streaming down my face. Why did this happen, why couldn't I protect her? Why did she have to die? I have asked these questions so often over the past couple of years (almost), that I am surprised at the intensity at which they still haunt me. I guess there is no timespan to grief. I guess I will always carry this with me and that from time to time it will continue to kick me in the butt. Maybe that's how I will stay connected to Lydia. Maybe the sadness keeps her real to me. I just wish so much that it weren't so; I wish she were here and I didn't have to live with this grief. No words can describe how much I miss her. I will always treasure that one first and final moment I had with her in the hospital. I just with that it had been the first of many.

I'm sorry.

I think you are right, I don't think the pain and grief ever go away. They lose their role as a central preoccupation and the sharp edges are blunted a bit over time, but they are always going to be with you.

I wish it had been too. {{{hugs}}}

I guess that is what grief is.... especially grief for a baby. All of the "one times" will never be enough.

hugs

it changes and shifts, but it never goes away, does it?

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) No, it never goes away. I wish it had been the one of many many moments too...

It catches me often out of the blue too. And nothing will really make up for that loss. It's something we just have to carry around forever I guess. So much more than just sad, so much more than just missing.((hug))