*Warning: rant alert!* I'm am issuing a warning about this post, because I know I am about to start a rant that will not reflect very well on my usually understanding, compassionate and loving nature(!). That being said, here goes...

My brother and his new wife (they were married last June) came up for a brief visit this weekend. We had a pleasant evening on Saturday, I cooked a reasonable paella and we sat around listening to 80s music while reminiscing about what a more or less horrible experience high school was. We all went to bed relatively early and the next morning we had an hour or so to sip coffee together before they had to push off (in order to get home for the Super Bowl). During the second cup of coffee they started looking at each other with big silly grins on their faces and after a few nudges from his wife, my brother announced that they had some "news"... You can guess the rest. After trying for a grueling 2 months, their attempts at procreation were successful and she is now 12 weeks along. Now, please keep in mind that I was the epitome of grace upon receiving the news -- kisses all around and only a mild misting of the eyes, which I smiled right through. We talked a bit about the aches and pains of the first trimester and I gave her a couple of my books on prenatal fitness and nutrition. I told them how thrilled I was for them and for their part they were very diplomatic about the whole thing. They left with all of us smiling and hugging. But as soon as I closed the door behind them, I sat down and had a big cry. I tried not to dwell on feeling sorry for myself, but I didn't do a very good job. I was and am truly happy for them, but I couldn't help but feel really gypped by life. I mean, here they are with their life ahead of them, full of dreams for the future and with the undyling love and support of each other to carry them through... and here I am, babyless, marriage hanging by a thread, not being able to think more than a day or two ahead, never mind having long-term hopes and plans. They had no real struggle to achieve what they had and my life for the past few years has been nothing *but* struggle... And that pretty much summed up my thoughts for the rest of the day.

I want so much to be full of undiluted happiness for them, but I am afraid that I won't be able to handle being around them anymore. I won't be able to sit there and listen to them go on about choosing a name and finding suitable day-care and decorating the nursery... meanwhile my child is dead and my life is falling apart.

Oh, this isn't getting me anywhere. I know I warned about the rant at the beginning of this post, but I can't even rant properly without feeling like a horrible shrew. I'm sure in time I'll get used to this situation and I'll find a way to deal with it. In the meanwhile, it's bootstrap time. I've got work to do today, proposals to write, project plans to create. And I will get to it all as soon as I can stop crying...

crap! I'm sorry. There's just nothing like a good kick in the teeth when you're already down. {{{hugs}}}

It would be nice if we could just forget about our own pain and be nothing but happy for other people's good fortune. But that's not how people work, not regular people anyway. The pain just runs too deep.

It's not like you're unhappy because they have a nicer car than you!

I'm sure they have more than enough people to share their PG with. It might be unpleasant for them to have to tread carefully around you, but that doesn't compare to your anguish.

My hope is that it will become easier for me once the babies are born and become real people, and it's no longer the PG I can't have.

I completely understand your feelings. I avoided my BIL and SIL after their pregnancy announcement last June (after one month of trying!). I saw them only once after that and it was REALLY uncomfortable for me to be bulldozed by their optimism and happiness. They just had their baby last week and I am sure I will continue to avoid them for a few more months. It sucks. The hardest thing about "family" pregnancies is having to hear your parents or in-laws go on about it. Sigh..... Thinking of you and sending ((hugs)))

One of the things that I remember learning from my mum was that life is not fair, but really haven't we all learned this the extremely hard way?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, that really just does suck. You don't need this now. All the best to your bro & sil, of course.

And, hi, i just started reading your blog lately. I am sorry things are such a god-awful mess for you right now...

i'm so sorry. is it just me, or do we become magnets for all things baby-related after we lose ours? all those dumb people that avoid us for fear of our bad luck rubbing off on them should instead be rubbing our heads for luck! being close to us gives everyone else good baby luck! they don't know what they're missing! i'm not telling 'em, either. fuck 'em all.