Monday, January 23, 2006
Holding pattern
Things have been so weird around here that I really haven't been able to write at all. Even writing down my thoughts just for myself has been too much to bear. Too much pain, anger and sadness to deal with. But the past few days have stated to bring some clarity, so I find myself able to jot down a few thoughts in here and hopefully I won't wind up scrunched into the fetal position in the corner of the room afterwards.
Seriously though, I feel pretty good. Positive, strong, empowered even. I am fairly confident that no matter what happens that I will not only survive, but thrive. The world is my oyster and, well, I don't want to get into any metaphors about oysters, but you get the picture. I don't know where all of this self-confidence is coming from, but it feels pretty damn good. Especially since a couple of weeks ago I was glancing at my husband's razor blades in the bathroom and having a more than momentary thought about repainting the bathtub a nice shade of red... But luckily I'm way to sqeamish for anything that gory. I was in a very dark place, though, so it feels really good to have come around so dramatically. Not that I spend every day chanting fight songs and envisioning my world domination, but the dark moments no longer have the potency they did just a short time ago.
The long and short of it is that my husband and I are in a holding pattern right now. We are spending a lot of time in self-therapy (meaning we sit around and talk for hours almost every evening), but otherwise are not making any drastic changes to our lives right now. We are still living together and running the household together. This holding pattern may last a couple of weeks or a couple of months or we may decide to try to go the distance after all, we don't know. There are no absolute objectives to this period except to try to gain some clarity about what we want from each other and our lives.
On the upside, I lost 7 lbs. in 7 days on the "too desperately upset to eat" diet. I literally ate nothing for almost 4 days, which was oddly not as unpleasant as it sounds. I did drink some orange juice during those days, so I got a few calories in me, but it wasn't until the end of the fourth day that I managed to choke down a piece of buttered toast. I've generally got my appetite back now, but I'm not the grazer I once was. I started exercising again last week, just to make sure that my metabolism didn't grind to a halt. I think that helped a lot to elevate my mood. My husband is doing slightly worse. He must have lost 15 pounds in the past couple of weeks and he's starting to look like a concentration camp victim. He still hasn't gotten his appetite back and is living mainly on caffeine, nicotine and adrenaline.
Anyway, I've got to get back to work (luckily I have a couple of big projects to keep my mind occuppied) and I can't seem to get a good flow going here, anyway. The only other thing worth mentioning is that there is an ever so slight chance that I'm pregnant, which just beats all. I went on the last round of Clomid right after Christmas and it's just possible that it worked. The kicker? The due date would be the exact same as for Lydia, just 2 years later. But as it's more likely that I'm "late" (and that's a very relative term, since even on Clomid my cycles are very irregular) because of all of this emotional upheaval than a miracle pregnancy, I'm trying not to dwell on it.
Onwards and upwards...
Seriously though, I feel pretty good. Positive, strong, empowered even. I am fairly confident that no matter what happens that I will not only survive, but thrive. The world is my oyster and, well, I don't want to get into any metaphors about oysters, but you get the picture. I don't know where all of this self-confidence is coming from, but it feels pretty damn good. Especially since a couple of weeks ago I was glancing at my husband's razor blades in the bathroom and having a more than momentary thought about repainting the bathtub a nice shade of red... But luckily I'm way to sqeamish for anything that gory. I was in a very dark place, though, so it feels really good to have come around so dramatically. Not that I spend every day chanting fight songs and envisioning my world domination, but the dark moments no longer have the potency they did just a short time ago.
The long and short of it is that my husband and I are in a holding pattern right now. We are spending a lot of time in self-therapy (meaning we sit around and talk for hours almost every evening), but otherwise are not making any drastic changes to our lives right now. We are still living together and running the household together. This holding pattern may last a couple of weeks or a couple of months or we may decide to try to go the distance after all, we don't know. There are no absolute objectives to this period except to try to gain some clarity about what we want from each other and our lives.
On the upside, I lost 7 lbs. in 7 days on the "too desperately upset to eat" diet. I literally ate nothing for almost 4 days, which was oddly not as unpleasant as it sounds. I did drink some orange juice during those days, so I got a few calories in me, but it wasn't until the end of the fourth day that I managed to choke down a piece of buttered toast. I've generally got my appetite back now, but I'm not the grazer I once was. I started exercising again last week, just to make sure that my metabolism didn't grind to a halt. I think that helped a lot to elevate my mood. My husband is doing slightly worse. He must have lost 15 pounds in the past couple of weeks and he's starting to look like a concentration camp victim. He still hasn't gotten his appetite back and is living mainly on caffeine, nicotine and adrenaline.
Anyway, I've got to get back to work (luckily I have a couple of big projects to keep my mind occuppied) and I can't seem to get a good flow going here, anyway. The only other thing worth mentioning is that there is an ever so slight chance that I'm pregnant, which just beats all. I went on the last round of Clomid right after Christmas and it's just possible that it worked. The kicker? The due date would be the exact same as for Lydia, just 2 years later. But as it's more likely that I'm "late" (and that's a very relative term, since even on Clomid my cycles are very irregular) because of all of this emotional upheaval than a miracle pregnancy, I'm trying not to dwell on it.
Onwards and upwards...
:: posted by Ann Howell, 10:31 AM
9 Comments:
Hey Bron!
Stay cool, you are doing really well!!
XXX from your mate Mr B in London town!
Stay cool, you are doing really well!!
XXX from your mate Mr B in London town!
Glad to hear you're doing a little better now. Hang in there and take care of yourself. It will improve your mood.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better, even though the storm hasn't passed yet. I hope you find a way forward.
Wow, wouldn't that be a kick in the head of you got pregnant in the middle of all this? Sheesh.
My thoughts exactly!
well, damn. that's all i can say. and that i'm glad you're feeling good, and i am just hoping that whatever is best for you is what you can make happen.
I've been thinking about you a lot. I am glad that you sound like you are dealing pretty well with everything that is going on. I just so hope everything works out the way you want it. You deserve it. (((hugs)))
Wishing you peace...
I'm so glad to see an update from you!
I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and I'm sending some virtual ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) your way. I know you said you've been having some dark times (I can relate) but still, you sound strong and determined and that's great to hear.
I'm wishing you happiness and peace and all the good things this world has to offer.
I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and I'm sending some virtual ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) your way. I know you said you've been having some dark times (I can relate) but still, you sound strong and determined and that's great to hear.
I'm wishing you happiness and peace and all the good things this world has to offer.
