I did it. The Mount Everest of difficult feats for childless mothers everywhere -- I held a baby. It was the two-month-old son of a friend of mine and his girlfriend. I swung 'round to their place to deliver some presents for the new arrival, and as soon as I walked in the door the baby started crying. Apparently he had just had some vaccinations that day, which made him very uncomfortable. The mother picked him up and rocked him, but he wouldn't stop wailing. I stood next to her and brushed the baby's cheek with my finger, trying to comfort him. She was about to hand the baby off to her boyfriend while she went to go fetch a bottle, but then she looked at me and tentatively asked if I wanted to hold him. I felt a wave of panic wash over me, but I nodded my head and let her place the baby in my arms. I held him tightly and rocked him gently, but the screaming was very unnerving. Even though his own mother had had no better luck with him, I felt like the baby must have gotten an unmaternal vibe from me and screamed even louder because of it. The mom came back quickly and took him from me, trying to soothe him with some milk. Anyway, even though I had a big cry on the drive home, all in all it was a positive experience. I didn't fall apart or collapse or drop the infant like a hot potato. I think it helped that the baby was a boy and since the mother is Chinese, he bore little resemblence to Lydia. On the other hand, he had a full head of black hair just like my daughter, so I guess there was some similarity (plus the fact that most babies tend to look alike at that stage). At any rate, both of the parents were sensitive and neither glorified the experience of being new parents, nor overstated the trials and tribulations. If they had gone and and on about how little sleep they were getting or how many diapers they had to change in a day, it would have sounded very disingenuine and I would have known they were trying to protect my feelings. The mother did seem rather harried and I know it must be very difficult since she has a lot of trouble speaking English and the few Chinese friends she has here live a ways away from here and she doesn't drive. So, I offered to take her to see her friends whenever she wanted. Maybe being nice to a new mom will throw some good baby karma my way! Just kidding, but not totally.

Anyway, still no AF this morning, which is rather disconcerting. I really don't want to have to go the Provera route again this month. I wish my body would just cooperate!

Good for you, and good for them, and here's to some good karma coming your way.

That's some step you took. I'm still not able to hold a baby. Not many chances to plus I fear I'd just start shaking and find it hard to hold back the tears. So good karma to you!

i'm proud of you. it was such a risk, i know, but there will be greater rewards.

What you describe about an "unmaternal vibe" sounds oh so familiar -- I can remember holding a baby recently and willing them in my head to please get quiet so that I would seem less "anti-mother-y" to the large group of my husband's cousins who all have at least two children apiece. It was not a fun day for me, and I definitely think that it was a big step for you. Good karma has to kick in sometime, right?

Good to read your post. Please try not to put so much psychic energy into "gotta get pregnant...". In Zen they say it's not possible to find your guru. The guru will find you. Similarly, when wanting to have a child we often give rise to vibrations that can disrupt the normal flow of body energy. Just this subtle flow can make conception very difficult. Sometimes actually giving up on the intense desire to have something is all it takes to open the doors. If this is meant to be, it will come your way. Put faith in the universe that you'll be taken care. You sound strong and focused. Happiness will find you wherever you go.

For me, it's all about coming to terms with the human cycle of wanting what we can't have, not wanting what we have, and being okay with just whatever the heck comes our way.

With kindness and compassion,
Dharma Bum