I had a whole other post planned, something about failed dreams, or changing aspirations, or something fairly philosophical. But it's Friday night, my man's traveling and I've had a couple glasses of wine, so other thoughts have started to seep in. I'm listening to an 80's mix CD (we seem to have quite a few in the repertoire), and right now The Pretenders cover of "Angel of the Morning" is playing. I love the way it almost completely fades out toward the end, then comes back for a few more cords. Now it's ABC, "Be Near Me". Ah, the 80s... an unjustly maligned musical decade.

There was talk in blogland today about the fear of a subsequent pregnancy after a loss. The feeling I have tonight is that as much as I want another baby, as much as I miss being pregnant, what I really want is Lydia back. I know objectively it sounds ridiculous to miss someone who you never met, someone who was only a presence in your life for a matter of months, but I really do miss her. I didn't even know that she was going to be a girl when she was born. We had...

[Sorry, Bob Marley's on -- some 70s tracks must have slipped in -- "One Love"... he was only a year or two older than I am when he died. How could someone capable of such love and beauty have died so young? But, I digress..]

As I was saying, we had just had an ultrasound a couple of weeks before she was born, and the tech couldn't tell for sure whether she was a boy or a girl. Mind you, she would have taken more time to look, but I said that we didn't mind waiting until the next one. Not that it would have really mattered, but maybe it would have been a good thing to have known what we were having. Maybe I would have bonded even more. But the point is that I never got the chance to get to know her as my daughter. We hadn't even settled on a name; I named her on my own when she was born. Lydia was a name I had come across while visiting my parents the week before and when I looked at her the name seemed to fit.

[Bryan Ferry... now there's some lovely 80s pop. "Dance away the heartache..."]

I had just started to get used to her rhythm. She started rolling around every night around 10:00; I could almost set my watch by it. I wondered if she would continue that routine when she was born -- would she start wailing every night at that time? But I never got to find that out; I never got to hear her cry.

[The Eagles, "Desperato" (definitely some 70s mixed in here, and this one is most certainly mine -- I'm the only Eagles fan in the family)]

But what I find amazing is the effect that she still has on me. I mean, it's been almost 16 months and the loss is still so tangible. And I really try not to wallow excessively about it. Her pictures are in a drawer and it's rare that I pull them out, mostly because it's too painful to look at them.

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Here we go. I was so inspired by my brief foray into 80s pop, that I decided to burn a CD of pure 80s drivel -- Air Supply, Journey, Chicago (again, probably some 70s in there) and to finish -- la piece de resistence -- Bonnie Tyler. Oh come on you've got to love it: "the beat of my heart is a drum and it's lost and it's looking for a rythym like you-ou-ou..." (Who the hell wrote these "lyrics"?) God, how many slowies did I dance to this one -- round and round in a circle, wishing the song wouldn't end. It's amazing how the mind works... just listening to "All Out of Love" brings me back instantly to when I had just broken up with my first boyfriend at the tender age of 14. I remember playing this song over and over, weeping uncontrollably. I thought I would never be happy again, that this was the absolute worse that I could possibly feel. That poignant pause at the end... cue the electric piano...

I just got an urge to Google said first boyfriend... "Mr. X a Boston-based lawyer, an adjunct member of the faculty at Boston University School of Law, and a visiting researcher at Harvard Law School. He is currently completing a Ph.D. in Law at Oxford University, where he has concentrated on public international law, with a particular focus on international offenses and the crime of genocide. X was appointed a U.S. Supreme Court Fellow for 2005-2006." Who woulda thunk it?! (And that's definitely him, there's a picture and everything) Last time I saw him he was graduating from a vo-tech, on his way to Rensselaer (I thought to study engineering, but I guess I was wrong).

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Alright, I'm depressed now. My old boyfriend is a Supreme Court Fellow and I'm sitting here on a Friday night listening to maudlin songs from the 80s, wondering what happened with my life. But on consideration, I still have a box somewhere with some really sappy poems that he wrote me, that I'm sure he'd be terribly embarassed to see now...

Enough rambling for tonight. Bonnie, take it away...

it's been a while since i enjoyed one of those moments, listening to old songs and revisiting my past. man, how our lives end up on paths we never even dreamed of. all in all though, i'd rather be here than there. and i, too, wish i had my baby.
now break out those leg warmers, and turn on something bouncy!

Class of '89 checking in here!

I LOVE Bonnie Tyler! But when I hear 'Open Arms' by Journey, or 'Faithfully,' or any of those awful ones, I am taken back to junior high and the 'dances' we had. Everyone was invited to bring in a record, but the only person brave enough to risk scratches was the one who owned the Journey album. So to this day, I can't stand it... although I have a weakness for 'Separate Ways.'

I don't want to get into exes, too many to count, and too disappointing... I'm just happy with my starving artist husband.

Hang in there. You will have good memories soon.

Wine and absent husbands...a lethal combination in and of itself...never mind adding in that musical score.

i think i understand where you are. i'm sad about losing the tadpole, i'm terrified about losing another one and desperate to try again anyway, but what i really want is hans. the rest of it wouldn't matter if he were with me now.

Just wanted to tell you that I read your latest post and I am busy thinking lots of positive thoughts about you :-)

Hope you hear some funky new tracks really soon.

Did I just write "funky new tracks"? I must be going senile!

Thanks for popping in, Mr. B.! I'm just sorry you had to read one of my less coherent posts. In the future, I think I'll have to remember that wine and blogging don't mix... ;)

I think about my boy every day even when I'm not thinking about him. How my life would be so different from what it is now. The newest thought is that I never got to see what color his eyes were. It sucks beyond compare and it's a wonder that we go on at all, but miraculously, we do.