I've been preoccupied with the fate of those affected by Katrina, yet I feel powerless to do anything concrete. I had half a mind to hop on a plane down to Houston with my last remaining Air Miles, but it occurred to me that it will really be in a month or two that they'll really feel the big pinch, after the world's attention has started to turn away.
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I had a minor epiphany after my last post about feeling so bitter about other people's pregnancies. I figured the only way I was going to stop feeling so bitter was... to * stop * feeling * so * bitter. It sounds dreadfully obvious, but when you're subsumed with a feeling, it's hard to imagine that you have any power over it. To test out my theory, on a morning that I had lots of errands to do, I vowed to smile pleasantly at any pregnant woman or woman with a baby that I encountered and even to peer politely into baby carriages. Well, I must say that the experiment was a success. The first couple of times, I had to make a conscious effort to plaster a smile on my face, while trying to make it seem as sincere as possible. After a while, I realised that I was smiling unconsciously at most mothers and moms-to-be. I even had a lengthy chat with a new mom in the checkout line at Costco whose baby was sleeping peacefully in her carrier in the front of the trolley. And I did this all without having a nervous breakdown or having lightening strike me down or the occurrence of any other natural or supernatural disaster.
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Confession time: up until recently, I was a smoker. In this day and age I feel like I'm confessing to kicking crutches away from the disabled or leading elderly blind ladies straight into heavy traffic, but it's true. I was a light smoker before getting pg., quit completely during the pg. (hormones made it easy; I didn't fancy smoking at all) and then started again after our loss. I must admit that I smoked heavily during the first few months of grieving; it seemed to be the only thing that could console me in any way. I tapered back to a few cigs a day as things got easier and thought that I was happy like that. Until late one Saturday night a few weeks ago when I reached for a cigarette and found an empty pack. My desperation for a cigarette at that moment was so visceral, that I realised that I was not in control of this situation in any way. It occurred to me that I really needed to quit completely. So, I picked up a great book on the subject and read it cover to cover in one afternoon. I put out my final cigarette that evening and have not had one since. I was amazed at how easy it was to give up. I do not crave it in any way, and I feel so much healthier that I've been exercising even more and eating very healthfully. I don't want ever to be a smoker again!

I was a bit wary of admitting my former habit here, as I know that TTC while smoking seems like a contradiction. But I was truly addicted and only now can I see to what extent. The great news is that it's all over and now I can move forward to a healthy, nicotine-free life! Now, I just have to get DH to quit...

Awwww, my first blog spam!

Congrats on the smoking! Thats great! I've never smoked, but grew up with parents who did... my dad finally quit about a year and a half ago after having a heart attack...

I also am trying to take to heart both your note to me and your recent notes about trying to release some of the bitterness towards pregnant women. I was lucky to be able to carry Kate to term, but in some crazy way i wish something had happened earlier because then it would have felt less like my fault (maybe!) and i might already be pregnant again now. I'm really hating this waiting to start again stage. But I'm sure i'll hate the trying stage too when we get there (2 other of my good friends are going to start trying when we do... so i'm sure there won't be any pressure there).

I hope that didn't come off too poorly... i mostly just wanted to say hi and sorry that we share a loss date.

I am also a former smoker. I did not smoke during my pregnancy. I smoked up to finding out I was pregnant and then quit cold turkey. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I did the same thing this time. Smoking helped me deal with the grieving. I was basically smoking for the two weeks leading up to ovulation and then I stopped for two weeks while waiting to find out if I was pregnant.

You are amazing! You knew what to do all along and did it when you were ready. All of it! I have a list of empowering statements I use daily.
I am me.
I am right here.
I do it.
I decide.
I am Source.
You are the personification of the list.