Ever since before we even knew that Lydia was on the way, I was having an early mid-life crisis of sorts. I felt like I still hadn't found my place in the world, both literally and figuratively. I'd been living in the same city for over 10 years, a city that while cool in its own right, was never one that I ultimately felt connected to. Great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Part of it had to do with the fact that I knew I wanted to make a living by writing, and trying to do that in a largely francophone city wasn't ideal. Secondly, I just couldn't identify with the French-Canadian culture that dominates the city and I felt spiritually alienated. So, we were exploring the idea of moving -- I really wanted to live in London, but since my husband had grown up there he was keen on trying something new. At the time, his consulting work had him traveling frequently to the New York-Connecticut-Pennsylvania corridor, so we were looking at areas that would be within commuter-plane distance. At any rate, as we reached the half-way point of the pregnancy, it seemed unrealistic to plan a move before the baby was born, so we put the idea off until at least the spring. And a month or so after we came to that conclusion, we lost her. For the following months, basic survival was the priority of the day and thoughts of moving were put on the back burner. But now, well over a year later I'm back to feeling alienated and unhappy about living here, now with the added feeling of being haunted by failure and loss. I feel like my life here was a false start of sorts and I'm eager to move on. We keep talking about it, but he wants to get completely out of debt before we think about moving. By current calculations, this will take at least 2 years. On the other hand, if we were to sell the house (which has appreciated in value considerable since I bought it), we'd have a sizable wad to start a new life with, even after settling our debts. But then, I've always been a "leap before you look" kind of person, which, ironically, is how I ended up here in the first place.

It's hard to not let money rule your life, but you've got to decide what is important. Steve and I just accepted that we will never be completely out of debt, and we're much happier for it (except for the dead baby part). Money is money...happiness is life. When you die, will you look back and wish you had been out of debt? or will you wish you had pursued your bliss?

I hope you can find a way to find a place you'll both be happy in. And i agree... money is important, but if you can still get rid of the debt and move that might be the best of both worlds! Good luck.

I could have written your post. We've decided to put off moving for the time being, but I know what you mean about feeling like you don't fit in, and about wanting a fresh start. I hope you find the best place for you.