This is the conversation at breakfast this morning:

Me: "So, how is everything going at the office?"
Him: "Well, it's going to be a hectic day. Bob, one of the project leaders, has a wife who's about to deliver any minute now."
Me: [Silence. I start flipping through the junk mail on the table.]
Him: "His wife lost a baby in the second trimester a few years ago, too."
Me: [More silence. I start getting really interested in an offer to have my carpets cleaned for only $19.95 per room.]
[Pause.]
Him: Anyway, it's going to be busy day... Hey, what's wrong with you, anyway? Why are you in such a mood?
Me: I'm not in a mood! Or maybe I am, I don't know. Nothing is wrong. Have a nice day at the office.

---
What *is* wrong with me? Hearing about yet another woman giving birth was obviously so disturbing to me that I couldn't be civil, yet even when I hear that she has also had a loss, I still couldn't have a normal polite response. I really am a nice person, or at least I used to be. It just seems like part of me instinctively shuts down whenever I'm confronted with even the idea of anyone else's healthy pregnancy. I don't want to be this bitter, I just don't know how to rise above it. God, that sounds pathetic. Surely, hanging onto the bitterness isn't doing me any good, so why shouldn't I just be able to accept that life will go on for the rest of the world and that it isn't all about me?

Maybe getting my carpets cleaned would help give me a new outlook...

Don't use Stanley Steamer, they did a crappy job on my mom's house.

As for the other...I wish there was a magic fix. But I'm told there isn't...and I'm also told bitterness and anger are normal. Not that that makes you feel any better either.

You don't know me but I happen by your blog from time to time. I just want to tell you that it's so absolutely normal for you to have those feelings. It doesn't make you a bad person. You're angry and it's bound to come up from time to time. You will get through it though. You'll get past your anger and fear. Ya know how I know that? Because it's obvious to me that you want to. Practice deep breathing when those feelings come up and just keep feeling them until they lift off of you and everytime they sneak up on you just do it again...and change your mind. That sounds so simple doesn't it? I'm sorry...I don't mean to sound like I'm over simplifying. It's hard with this being a blog...But, this is one tool I teach my clients and use myself when I'm mourning or stuck in one of life's cycles that challenges us to our core. This is your time. Nobody said it would be easy but you will grow and evolve and be a better mother to your children when they arrive. It takes enormous emotional strength to be a good parent. Just from what I've read about you these past few months...I think your future children are very lucky to have chosen you.

There is nothing wrong with you that isn't wrong with every other woman who has been through late-term loss. I cringe when any talk of other people's pregnancies come up. Yet I'm totally drawn to hearing the stories.

I have a cousin, a few years older than me, who lost her boy a couple months before I lost mine last year. It was her second stillbirth. She already has three girls at home but her husband kept wanting to try for a boy. So she's expecting again any day now. Because she is my cousin of course I'll be very happy for her, especially considering what she has been through. But she's older than me! How was it so easy for her to get pregnant again after the loss? Hearing the stories is always a mixed bag of sincere happiness at others' joy and "WTF, why not me?". I don't really know if there ever will come a time when it won't be.

Cahterine and Zarqa -- I'm glad you guys understand! I hate these feelings, but at least it's good to know that they are "normal".

Elizabeth -- Thanks for stopping by! You talked about "clients" -- are you a counselor/therapist? Your advice sounds very reasonable. I am already trying to get over some other demons by "changing my mind" and it's actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. I never thought of applying the same tactic to these feelings, though, and now it seems so obvious! I will give it a try...

Ann

I'm a healer. I'm an Avatar Master, a Reiki Master and Hypno-therapist, a massage therapist...I do it all. I've been doing it for nearly 30 years. I have a gift some people call psychic...I call intuitive. By any other name it's what it is.
I help others get through life's worst hells and some minor hells too. I do it because I had to live through more than a few trauma's myself and could not have done it without the help of my understanding and wiser Sister's in Spirit. We're all sisters Honey. There's lots you can do to get through this part easier and faster, because heal you must.

Hearing about another woman giving birth still disturbs me too. And because my baby died during labor, and the feelings of guilt and failure I have about that, I can't bear to EVER hear an actual labor or birth story. Ever. Even from a woman who has experienced the death of a baby before. I'm just not ready for that.
So you are not alone. (((hugs)))

I'm so bitter I hate myself for having a normal pregnancy so far! Can you imagine how much I'll resent myself if this baby lives and I become one of those smug mothers pushing a stroller?! I'm gonna need the biggest supply of wet noodles ever to get through this, let me tell you....

I think this is soooo normal. I still sort of hate pregnant women and I'm pregnant again. It's hard not to be envious of the innocence and the unadulterated joy.