Sunday, July 24, 2005
I promise not to use gerunds for the title of every blog post, but "treading water" is just too apt a title not to use today. My mood really hasn't improved since last weekend. I've been doing my best to stay active with projects around the house, but I haven't been able to actually finish anything (beside the extremely pedantic chores of laundry, dishes, etc.). Yesterday I started digging up the front lawn in an effort to reroute our front walk from it's rather awkward current course (straight 90-degree angle from the driveway to the front steps) to a more natural, curved trajectory. Anyway, after 30 minutes I had only managed to dig up a few feet of heavy sod and I realized that this was going to be much more difficult than I had anticipated. So I gave up, hoping I could convince my better half to give me a hand when he got home. And I felt like a failure for not sticking with it. I have no stamina anymore! (Did I ever? I can't remember.) Anyway, I've got a major case of the blahs. I have no enthusiasm for anything. I can't remember the last time I had a good, deep belly laugh. I despair that I'll ever feel truly happy again. I keep trying everything that you're supposed to do to shake yourself out -- I've exercised (I took a 45-minute bike ride yesterday and just came back overheated and sweaty, as well as depressed), I make sure to eat relatively well (whole grains, fruits and veggies, etc.), I get enough sleep (okay, I probably get too much sleep -- I'm on about 9 hours a night these days), and still I feel like I'm going through life wading waist-deep in water. Everything is an effort. Anyway, I just realized how pathetic I must sound, so I'm going to stop now. I'm sure I'll snap out of this somehow. I just need to find a way out of the water and onto dry land.
:: posted by Ann Howell, 11:47 AM
There's no such thing as too much sleep, don't kid yourself! LOL I felt like that through most of the winter/spring, and thought it surely had to do with seasonal affective disorder. But now that it is summer, I am blaming the heat and humidity.
We'll get that motivation sooner or later, don't distress.
I think all those things you're "supposed" to do to feel better, come from people who don't have a clue. And the "find hope in the sunrise" crap is really starting to wear on my nerves too. Maybe it's ok to just feel bad for a while.
Sorry...rant over. :o)
Feeling bad for awhile is normal, natural and fine. BUT there comes a time when you do need a kick in the ass, when you should say "I'm sick of feeling like crap every day" and then you should go get help if you aren't able to lift yourself up. Yes, I know, I'm doing my born again therapy thing but dammit it worked for me and I don't see why other people shouldn't benefit.
At the very least enough of this healthy lifestyle. Eat some chips and ice cream, woman! Stay up late and drink mojitos, go dancing, choose yer poison. Make next weekend debauchery central at your house and create some space for fun to happen, maybe it will, maybe it won't, but at least you'll have shifted out of your rut for a couple of days. Stop treading water and get on a floating lounger with a cocktail that contains an umbrella; the trick to becoming happy and sane again is to live like you already are, with any luck (and you must have some left) your emotions will follow.
DBM -- You're so good you were able to influence my actions before you even posted, lol! Last night I ate chips and chocolate cake (not bingeing, mind you, just feeding a craving!) and then went to visit some friends of mine and sat out on their deck and had a couple of very nice gins and tonic. Bliss!
And I'm considering the counseling thing again, as soon as I have some spare $. I have a therapist who was invaluable during my divorce many years ago (yes, I'm a scarred woman), but he's not on the health service, unfortunately. Seeing how well it's worked for you, it's going back on my priority list.
Yay for chips and chocolate cake and gin and tonics! Sometimes we take the "take care of yourself" thing to far and deserve treats.
You could try and find a therapist that is covered, I had to because it was too expensive. Luckily we were a good 'fit'. Hope you either find someone covered (ask your doctor to help you) or find some money because yes it really helped me in a lot of different ways. You deserve help finding peace and healing just as much as you deserve cake :)