Feeling a bit better today. Worked, worked out, had more than a few thoughts that had nothing to do with the baby, future babies or the seemingly hopeless state of my life. I'm not quite Pollyanna yet, but it doesn't all seem so bleak. I'm seriously considering taking a formal culinary course, is that weird at this late stage of the game? Not to become a chef, but just to understand cooking and food better so that I could write about it. I had this epiphany earlier this year that I would be happier if I could make a living doing something I liked (what a concept!), and since I like to write and I like to cook, writing about food seemed like a logical career path. Anyway, we'll see. There's a decent course available in town that's part of an adult ed program that is gratis (I like that!), but it's full-time for a number of months. I could still freelance on the side, but I would't be able to earn major bucks while I'm studying. We'll have to see if that's financially feasible.

Anyway, no real theme or message today. Just that I don't feel as horrible as I have done in the past few weeks, which must be a good thing. But what will I do if I don't have my misery to hang onto anymore?!

I think taking a formal culinary course sounds like a great idea. And I am glad to hear that you are having some good days. Just enjoy them while you can because you know what a rollercoaster ride this is! When the bad days come they can really hit you hard.

Hi there,

I just stumbled across your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my 1st baby in Summer 2003. I can identify with your words "spiraling into control". I can imagine nothing harder than rebuilding a life after losing a baby. I think it's great you are trying to get into something you will enjoy. This January I began a photography program at the local university. It was a great help to me to do something I enjoyed again. Best of luck to you!